I realize that we change day after day, even if we don’t notice it until it’s too late. We don’t see things like we used to, we don’t enjoy the same things we used to enjoy and we don’t love the same things we once loved. It’s as if you’ve become a blurred version of who you once were, the only sure thing is you exist. Other than that, nothing is certain. You look at your hand for example, you can see it, you can feel it, you can touch it but you can’t seem to use to do the things that once defined who you are.
At times you lose just one piece of yourself, one important piece. Even though you can see the hole it left behind, even though you know you have to go out there looking for it and even though you feel empty without it. And even though you keep trying to do anything to get it back, you can’t seem to be getting any closer.
I can say that I’ve always been an avid reader, not just when it comes to the classics of literary arts but taking risks with reading for new writers. There have never been a thrill like the one I got when coming across this new writer who just turned matters upside down for me. Everything from the feeling of book covers down to the last drop of ink of the ending page, was an exhilarating process for me. I feel as if I’ve lived as many lives as the books I’ve read so far. And even though I know I still want to live more and experience more, I just seem to have lost my passion for reading.
I do not know whether this is a rebellion against everything I once was because of something that I’ve been through and caused me to disdain who I am. I do not know if I am supposed to let it go and look for something else.
What I do know is that I will keep searching for that passion tirelessly. I shall read all the books I know helped turn my life around, perhaps I need to take back a turn I ventured into unseeing. I do not know when that will happen, when will the right path come along again or even if I’m supposed to find that passion again. How will I know if I’m not supposed to find it, if I don’t try?
I only know that I will not stop trying, for since I could put words side by side, I’ve used reading to define myself, to understand who I am, to stand up in the face of life, to be a friend when I needed one, to be my shoulder, my smiles, my tears, my caretaker and my life-support system.