“It’s not about cruel reality that is almost everywhere you look these days, there are always glimpses of hope here and there. It’s not about wanting to make up for the mistakes of the past to redeem yourself. I don’t think the lack of events or major events in my current state of being alive is the issue at hand either. Nor do I believe it’s about having envisioned my entire future life, seeing as there are parts of it that are vaguely annoying about it.
I think it’s losing the sense of time because it seems to be passing ever so fleetingly when in fact it is only waiting to be taken good use of. Like applying for jobs for example, some don’t go through, others require more paper work from you that you feel sickened of yourself for applying, and others that hold on your appointment for obscure reasons to the future. Or ‘near future’ is the used term.
It’s the waiting, when you’ve physically done everything in your power just waiting for a trial to pay off, but mentally it’s a different story. In your mind you keep repeating to yourself: “What can I do in the meantime? What can I do that would both be good for my career when it starts and can be fun at the same time?”. The constant ‘I can be better than my yester self’ vicious circle.
And yes, it is a vicious circle. Of course ‘If you can always be better, you can never be at your best’ like the old proverb said, but what’s the point in burning yourself trying to fix it. The first step in making yourself better is accepting your present one wholly and completely.
Back to the point at hand, it takes enormous effort not to worry about the future, and just as enormous not to reminisce about the past specially when you feel your present sucks.
But then that’s it, it’s all you have, today, The Now. I guess for the time being we’re both trapped together. Seeing as today is just waiting to be yesterday and I better make good use of it. Every tomorrow will be today and every today will soon turn into yesterday. The future will eventually be yesterday as well.”